America Stays "Competitive"...

...AND WHAT THIS BILL WON'T TEACH YOU

So follow along: I'm gonna show you, step by step, how to read between the lines of modern political bullshiting. I'm into PR and marketing; I know what I'm talking about here.

Step one: don't skim. Never. Read every sentence. Read it twice. The Truth is in there, and it hurts. (The other steps aren't numbered just follow...)

I admit I don't check my general email in-bin as well as I used to. It gets far too many emails (most political not strictly spam, though I include several politicians in that category), and the people I NEED to talk to have their own filters.

But during cleanup today, this subject completely caught my eye, like a giant gnat dive-bombing and sticking to my cornea:

"Keeping America Competitive"

You KNOW when you read something like that, you're gonna read some real entertaining (if it weren't reality) 1984-style word-spinning (just trust me--this gift for BS ID will come naturally to you later). And it didn't disappoint. I got so dizzy, I nearly threw up:

A few weeks ago the Senate passed the America Competes Act -- legislation I helped write to ensure our country remains competitive in the global marketplace for decades to come.

The bill was a result of two years of bipartisan cooperation, and I was proud to be a part of the process -- it's the way lawmaking is supposed to work. The final bill passed the Senate by a vote of 88-8.

Uh, how about just kill NAFTA already? It took y'all two years to figure out how to fuck up our nation's economy more than it is? Oh, and NEVER trust a person using the word "bipartisan". I mean NEVER. Especially when the next word is "cooperation". Why don't you just say "turnkey solution" so I can post you on my PR Wall of Shame, already, for bad-marketer horse-beaten word-spinning. The two words together are MEANINGLESS.

And thanks for ensuring me there's little I can do, by adding "for decades to come".

I'm being surly; don't listen to them. There is no such thing as a bill that can't be repealed. Don't forget it.

And please don't miss how much self-back-slapping happened in just two, short paragraphs. Like him, already?

The America Competes Act addresses a very serious problem: the fact that we are losing our technological superiority to nations such as China and India.

Uh, NAFTA? Remember that little thing the "bipartisans" passed that killed all our manufacturing jobs, but no one paid attention until it hit the tech sector? And by that time, those five little letters were forgotten.

And making burgers at McDonald's are still not manufacturing jobs, no matter what my dear Brother says. Sorry.

The reasons are twofold. Right now we’re investing too little in the basic science that yields technological discoveries, and we’re not preparing the next generation of scientists, mathematicians and engineers to carry out future research endeavors.

OH! That's the issue! It isn't that you SOLD US OUT for cheap labor.

And what's missing here, as usual?

ART.

I don't agree with Tolstoy. Neither did most other famous philosophers. This is a real sticky point for me, and not because I'm an artist.

As I'm also both a gifted mathematician and scientist. I scored perfect in math in all testing in college, and follow the movie Pi in nearly real-time (I'm not THAT fast). My husband regularly credits me for being my own best researcher and scientist when anything goes wrong.

No, that isn't weird; ALL THREE COME FROM THE SAME PART OF THE BRAIN. If you can do one, you can probably do all three.

So why leave out art? Why has it's funding become NIL over time in America?

Artists make shitty robots. THEY WANT ROBOTS. They want you to build better weapons and better technology to help their cronies make more money, not you. And they don't want you to ask questions; just take your check home and shut up. It ain't about bettering the world. WAKE UP. And by that I don't mean go get more espresso.

Even if you don't think yourself an "artist", art teaches several dangerous (to their goals) things anyone can use, including:

1. Critical thought.
2. Creative problem-solving.
3. "Outside the box" thinking, where a real solution (but not the one they're trying to craft) usually lies.
4. Being able to see the trees and the forest, so to speak, at once.
5. Spiritual/material balance.
6. A sense of self.

Heaven forbid we have a country of people working on technologies that can also independently THINK. No way. So no funding.

Fortunately, the America Competes Act addresses both of those problems, ensuring that we retain our position as the most innovative country in the world.

Whew! And I was worried about the war, jobs and healthcare. Silly me.

First, the America Competes Act ramps up the quality of K-12 instruction by focusing on teachers at every level of their careers. [editor note: OH SHIT! You POOR teachers!] For example, it provides incentives for colleges and universities to ensure teachers-in-training better develop their skills in math and science. It also provides opportunities for teachers already in the classroom to strengthen their math and science skills by, among other things, training at the National Science Foundation and at our national laboratories.

WHAAAAAAT?!?!?! Okay, if you don't smell "how to build a better A-bomb" by now, get your nostrils out of your gas tank. Why in the WORLD would I trust a national Institute (capitolized on purpose, and so is that spelling error) to train anyone?!

America Competes also encourages students to pursue studies in math, science or engineering, both at the K-12 and postsecondary levels. It increases opportunities for students to take Advanced Placement courses in math and science and participate in internship programs at the national labs. America Competes also provides an array of scholarships and fellowships for students to pursue postsecondary degrees in math, science, or engineering.

Oops! Left out, "Cuz we're already behind on fulfilling the ROI to our cronies at Haliburton and Lockheed Martin, so we need to fast-track these kiddies before they're old enough to think and evaluate their life decisions properly..." Get 'em while they're young, I like to say. Good thinking, but you forgot to mention it. The rest of the kiddies can make their McDonald's burgers so you can use the "technology" to make better diabetic drugs to sell them.

Kids, hold out for a better deal. If it sounds too good to be true, it is. No, it really is. A pink-and-blue-haired bitch wouldn't lie to you on that one.

The bill also renews our investment in basic science research. It would double the authorized funding levels for the National Science Foundation over five years and set the Department of Energy's Office of Science on a path to double over 10 years. The National Science Foundation and DOE together have given us some of the most important scientific discoveries in the past few decades. Work carried out under the Office of Science is developing a new artificial retina that gives blind persons the ability to make out shapes. [always put the human interest bit first.] Other research is helping to understand the basic behavior of the polar ice cap and the effects of global warming.

What's to UNDERSTAND? I actually don't think it takes a rocket scientist to know, but for some reason we remain the only country in the world that doesn't think global warming is happening? If rolling blackouts were real (they aren't), may they take out your air conditioning, you seedless cucumber. Oh sorry, that's Monsanto.

Ask New Orleans what the effects are.

The idea behind the America Competes Act is to guarantee that the best paying jobs of the future would be developed right here in our own country. But it has the added bonus of helping us tackle some of our most pressing concerns, such as our strong desire to become more energy independent.

Oh boy, this is gonna be good... never trust the phrase "energy independent" without checking their voting record at VoteSmart.org.

Already, Sandia and Los Alamos national labs are doing extremely valuable research in the area of clean and efficient energy technology...

Sorry to break this paragraph, but also never, NEVER trust "clean and efficient energy". It's gonna be followed by coal or nuclear, not anything already known to be "clean" nor "efficent". Their cronies ain't building solar panels nor windmills.

They can't even leave the REAL "clean and efficient" alone. You know ethanol (corn--pushed thanks to ADM) is produced by coal plants that pollute like mad, right?

...Scientists at Sandia are working on research to replace the light bulb with highly efficient light emitting diodes. And at Los Alamos, engineers are working on technology that will allow us to burn coal [HA! Told you!] without releasing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere. America Competes will make an even greater investment in our labs, tapping them for even more energy-related research.

In the coming months, I will be working with the House of Representatives to finalize America Competes and get it to President Bush's desk for signature. [that should be easy it's bullshit] It's one of the most important pieces of legislation we can enact for our nation’s future.

What is America competing for? Friendliest Fascism in the World?

Abbott's a Cabbit

I've actually seen a cabbit. It's a freakish cross-bred cat and rabbit; mainly it looks, talks, and kills like a cat, but has long hind hare legs, no tail for balance, and has to constantly hop to get around. You kinda feel sorry for it when you look at it and want to take it in as a pet; but your heart still sinks to the pit of your stomach, because it simply shouldn't exist.

I wouldn't call it cute. It's a freak of nature, created by warped human beings. Kinda like an Abbott.

While I know you all know I worked on the campaign of his competitor for the AG seat David Van Os, it never ceases to amaze me what comes directly out of the horse's mouth--or that of his penmates--spun as "cute" when it's just so freaky my jaw hits the ground.

In an American Statesman article Abbott on hot seat in '07 legislative session, one such penmate actually praises him for being a career politician:

Dallas lawyer Deborah Hankinson served on the Texas Supreme Court with Abbott, who was appointed to the court by Gov. George W. Bush in 1995.

"I didn't like raising money," she said. "He likes doing that. He enjoys the strategizing, the campaigning, the fundraising. . . . every aspect. Greg enjoyed every day, whether he was going to be out doing politics or he was going to be working at the court."

Abbott likes raising money? No news flash here; just ask Bob Perry, who's contributed insane amounts of bribe money to continue protection from home buyers complaining of his real estate empire's shoddy and overpriced work. $520,265 last election cycle, to be exact (Statesman).

The audacity that he is praised and proud of being a "career politician"--that is, doing whatever it takes to move up the ranks and pocket even more money--rather than serve the people in this state, is enough to make my teeth gnash.

Cuz LOOK OUT! The dude who does nothing but sit collecting cash wants to be Governor. Or Lt. Governor, whichever the Republican party will let him have without a fight. Which also shows where his priorities are: and it isn't you.

But not two paragraphs later--man, if it doesn't drop you may have lockjaw:

Abbott also enthralls Christian conservatives, Masset suggested. His office defeated a lawsuit that challenged the legality of keeping a monument listing the Ten Commandments on the Capitol grounds. In June, Abbott talked up his defense of the law.

"It doesn't matter what the Clintons and Kennedys do on the East Coast; it doesn't matter what the liberals do on the Left Coast," Abbott told delegates to the Republican state convention. "On the Gulf Coast, our children proudly say the Pledge of Allegiance each morning, the Ten Commandments still stand on the Texas Capitol grounds, and marriage will always be between one man and one woman."

Like he actually SAID that?! And I wonder which children he's referring to? Certainly not those of Hispanics, with a one-in-two dropout rate from Texas high schools, not to mention we're now number one in general, with just over one in ten dropping out before graduation.

And last I noted, the Hispanics tend to be pretty Christian, so why aren't they a priority, Greggy?

Even more gag-reflex caused by same article (I just can't believe they print this and no one seems to notice):

Though Abbott is constrained by the law and his duties as the state's chief civil lawyer, how his advice affects legislative issues could figure in any run he makes for higher office...

So he's making all decisions based on whether it'll look good for his next bid, not whether or not it actually serves the public for the job he's currently "elected" for?! BUNK!!!

...Abbott boasts two advantages on any legislator considering a run against him: no voting record on legislation subject to nitpicking and a hefty warchest. He started this year with nearly $6 million in campaign cash, more than any other state officeholder...

Oh, like that's a good thing? No accountability? First thing I ever do picking someone to back is CHECK VOTING RECORD; this is the whole reason he's gone AG not House nor Senate... get it? Career politician to the core. The cash he pocket's nearly a given, so I don't think I need to elaborate.

...Asked about plans for his campaign kitty, Abbott hearkened the freak accident that left him partially paralyzed in 1984. He was jogging in Houston when a tree fell on him.

"We'll wait and see," Abbott said. "I don't know if, by the next election cycle, a tree is going to fall on me..."

Whaaaaaaa. I'll cut that oak down myself if I have to, and I'm a tree-hugger: HYPOCRITE!

This is the same man that took $10 million--tax free--for said tree, then helped to pass "reform" restricting anyone else this exact scenario happens to from collecting more than $250,000. Which is SPIT MONEY when for the rest of your life, you can't walk. I'm not even sure that pays for the wheelchair, in today's messed up for-profit "healthcare" system.

It won't be a tree this time, Greggy. It'll be a meteor with the names of the Alamo fallen carved into the side of it.

Can it get any worse? Or any better?

Phonelines tapped by Bush, Inc. Opt-ins sold to opt-outs. Cameras at every intersection and in most establishments I don't patronize.

Like for instance, after my husband was fired (and with no proof of anything nor warnings preceding it) he took the same job at the same money he'd spent six years working towards, for a competitor.

This is just a grocery store, y'all. Keep that in mind.

He had to go through three interviews, a background check, a drug test, and several morning brainwashing sessions to get it in the first place.

If you didn't keep it mind, this isn't the FBI nor an airline pilot position; this is a grocery store.

They then made him buy his own uniform he looks crappier in than if he wore his own clothing (Joe's a damn fine dresser, I admit). He has to use his fingerprint to clock in and out, and is on camera 24/7 while in the store because they believe their own employees to do nothing but steal from them. Maybe if they actually offered even a 10% discount to their own employees, that wouldn't happen at all, hmmm?

No benefits. Just bullshit, and shut up or get fired. He was dragged nearly by ear to the front of the store (he's an intelligent and sentient being, mind you) for not "fronting" some stupid plastic containers, instead busy trying to get a palette blocking a whole damn isle (anyone with half a brain would make this a priority call) off of the store floor.

Needless to say, if he comes home (working right now) saying he's quit or fired, I'm not surprised, and stand by him. It's just a GROCERY STORE what's your paranoid delusion?!

...Okay, an aside. Maybe you don't get this cuz you've got "911 Disease". If you can, remember September 10 instead. If you weren't born yet, or are too young to remember, I swear this isn't the USA, the land of the free and the brave, that I remember at all. This is a warped, malfunctioning, Stepford Wife version of it. There is nothing to fear except what they spoonfeed you into believing at all. We used to EXERCISE our rights, not PRETEND that we have them while staying silent under 'unknown penalties'...

How did he get here? FIRED BY WHEATSVILLE MANAGEMENT. Why? FOR STANDING UP TO HIS FELLOW WORKER'S RIGHTS.

You can't touch me Management. You have no recourse here. You're doomed.

Management of your beloved Austin food co-operative Wheatsville, is nothing but a punk-ass corporate ass-kissing piece of shit. Let me explain that further, as I fucking mean every damn swear word in there.

Know why you couldn't get the food you wanted during the ice storm? How about Management's turned everything (this is a CO-OP mind you) over to a single vendor in Denver, that was SNOWED IN. If it was still coming from multiple local sources (part of the mission statement originally but I haven't yet read the charter re-write: you realize it's being rewritten, right? And not to include your input as member anymore, unless you're already on the "A" list that doesn't rock the boat), Texas would have had food.

With over 20,000 Texas family farms still working (but not a part of "The Co-op Advantage", dumbest thing I've ever heard and nothing but a marketing slogan for a single distributor from Denver, not here--don't be fooled there's no "advantage" it's a marketing slogan), this is deemed "not profitable". Starvation is better? When food's a mile and a half away?

FIRE THE JERK. You got a Wheatsville card in hand, you can do it. Move for a "no confidence" petition. If board won't listen, move they be removed too, while you still can.

Want a few notes about your beloved staff?

I was angry with Management at least four years ago, for firing a woman crying in their "open-door" office about being sexually harrassed.

Just this week, an employee was fired for standing up for another employee just fired, and off the clock when they argued their position. In fact, shopping the store as a customer.

Nearly no one but the lapdogs to Management working more than two years still exist. This is a rampant squash-the-workers-who-speak-up/ long-term-workers-quitting-in-disgust situation. That amounts to 25% of staff in general, and damn near 90% of those with more than two years of service (less than a dozen), lapdogs excluded.

One of which I could bitch-slap, but another story.

My cigarette production shipped to China. My state lottery threatening to now benefit a private company not the schools. My every friend fired for simple "disagreements" with Management (first to go, and after 10 years of service, for saying 'shut up' to inappropriate butt-fuck jokes by another department manager [who's a closet gay, I swear; making it even less stomachable] about one of his direct employees).

Wanna make a snarko happy again? MOVE FOR NO CONFIDENCE. Management deserves it, no question.

Can it get any worse? Really, until Bush and the illegal war are gone, all I want is the right to buy real food from real people. You're not real, Management. You're as plastic as it gets.

Greenling Organic Food Delivery is the Best Online-Based Service Since Kozmo

aaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Just like that. Because the old-school dotcommers (the ones that actually created websites that did something you WANTED, and kept it simple--unlike the new-wave that were just business people and didn't even GET the internet) are being reborn!

Once upon a time, whilst I was living in San Francisco, there existed this online-based company that actually provided a real service I wanted and would gladly pay money for. Actually there was another--my online-only bank that got bought out and quickly ruined--that I also still lament.

I forget the name of the bank, even though I raved about them in my Maximum PC column when I'd compared online bank services and websites; it was henceforth my bank, and I continued to rave about them to everyone I knew. It was a shining star in a sea of "just another bank"s. Best thing since the free toaster, for those that remember when banks used to give incentives--rather than penalties--for opening an account.

They were physically located in Georgia somewhere, which made transactions done by ATM or credit card real slow in California (phoneline distance thingie). But they actually gave 6% interest on checking... can you believe that cake?! Icing: the online interface itself had every feature you could imagine to make managing your finances easier, and genuinely user-friendly. Like you could direct-deposit your checks, have THE BANK receive your bills, and automatically pay them for you on specific dates, unless they were over an amount you specified, in which case you'd get an email alert marked "urgent", but it really was.

Yes, I wanna review a $600 electric bill before it's paid! And so user-friendly, you could set this up this complicated array of "what ifs" in minutes.

Capitol One put an end to it. Day one, while my account was still valid as a previous customer, my return was now 1.5%, most features I enjoyed were cut or harder to do in a few minutes, and the interface was so java/ advertisement-heavy, it regularly crashed my computer. Nice "improvements", guys. I mean, you wanna quickly check your account balance, that's all you wanna do. K.I.S.S.

Kozmo. God and goddess I loved my Kozmo.com.

Imagine: it's a cold and rainy night. You feel kinda sick, low energy, and all you wanna do is watch a dumn feel-good movie, but you don't want to get in the car, either, and head over to the video store.

Tada! Kozmo. Go to the website which has realtime availability of your chosen DVD or VHS, and it's delivered to your door in one hour. Delivered in plain brown paper bags; the driver didn't know what you chose at all (great for porn fans). You can return it in any number of dropboxes found in convenient locations throughout the city. Or at least could. ACLU put an end to that; I'm a member, but this one pissed me off as the issue wasn't racial profiling at all.

Those were the 90s. 2007: enter Greenling.

I'm one of those people that votes with their dollar since money is all politics/ corporations (same thing) care about these days; that's a different article. But food-wise, I try to eat as organically and locally grown as possible. I'm too much a night person to get to the farmer's market that ends at 2PM (no good stuff is left then--gone by 10AM--yeah "worm" joke me), Central Market and Whole Foods are both way too corporate and huge for my taste, and well, my husband was just fired from the supposed co-op (the short: for standing up for the workers and members; that's also why I love my husband), so I think it obvious why I don't want my dollar-vote there. It's no longer one, and hasn't been for a while. They're currently rewriting the charter, even, cuz they know there could be smack-down (even a license revoke) for their actions.

You should have voted the four political, cooperative, and farmer activists to board of directors instead of those laurel-crushing incumbents. That's another story too. But if you're a Wheatsville member, get involved, FAST. They're re-writing it so you can't be involved. It'll be nothing but a buyer's club; that's NOT the same as a co-op.

SO where the hell DO I buy food--a NECESSITY--without feeling like a shithead cuz I just voted with my dollar for a Republican/ Corporation?!?!

Greenling to the rescue! Austin only, and here I won't say "sorry" cuz this is one category where I want local, local, local! Locally owned and run, supports local farmers FIRST, and all money stays local, boosting local economy (yes, I can get along with Libertarians on this, and why Greens and Libs don't clash as much as you think. We picked a dumb name you can't take seriously, but aren't just a bunch of "tree huggers").

But political brewhaha aside, I pay no more for what I want, order it online, and it's delivered to my door! The interface of the website thinks of EVERYTHING you want in a real-life situation: "What if I'm not home?" "Can I just get the same things every week without reordering?" "What if I dunno what I want?" COVERED. The user interface is AWESOME; everything you want; nothing you don't. The only reason it took me ten minutes for my first order to be set up was I needed to explain our address issue so they could find us (our address says one street, but our door's on another; we have the "back" unit).

Irony: they're distributors to the major grocers and co-op as well. You might as well buy it firsthand.

And my sprouts were delivered so fresh, they were still standing upright. Same sprouts. I haven't seen them actually STAND unless homegrown, ever.

Another irony: a lot of former Wheatsville shoppers (wake up Dan; you're losing the non-deluded in your base, and fast) have recently tried to convert me to Greenling. But I'm already a convert. They even included related political actions with my first order, which Wheatsville used to be good about, but deemed no longer "profitable", just like "volunteers aren't profitable" (?!?!?!?!).

aaaaaaaaaaaaah. I can eat, and not feel like a shithead. Thanks, Greenling!

WEBMISTRESS PS: Website is FANTASTIC. You web designers (the real ones), go check it out for GUI reasons for the RIGHT way to do an e-com of this size, even if you don't live in Austin. Kudos to webmaster/mistress and/or designer on this!

The George W. Bush Library - Action Alert

The man's not even literate, for Christ's sake. And that ain't the name of Lord in vain neither.

PLEASE HELP.

The Southern Methodist University--and quite against their will might I add--is about to get a library named for our arrogant, ignorant, POS President unless y'all help out a bit here. From their website:

We the undersigned express our objection to the prospect of the George W. Bush library, museum, and think tank being established at Southern Methodist University. As United Methodists, we believe that the linking of his presidency with a university bearing the Methodist name is utterly inappropriate. We urge the Board of Trustees of Southern Methodist University and the South Central Jurisdiction of The United Methodist Church to reject this project.

While yours truly is an atheist, I still respect you REAL church folk, and couldn't agree here more.

SIGN THE PETITION:

http://protectsmu.org/

Like Chasing an Ambulance

THE CONTINUING SAGA:

My desk is a disaster right now. I'm trying to sort out the junk from notes I need for work and the paperwork I need for the lawyer and, what's this?

Over FIFTY, no joke, mailers from lawyers starting the day after my arrest.

Apparently they check the jail records for this stuff daily. It's simply amazing.

Running the gamut from scare tactics ("I don't want to scare you, but let me give you a glimpse of what's in store for you"...followed by the worst scenarios possible, repeated every four lines or so, and lots of slammer photos) to "I'll treat you like family" (his photo has no jacket and the piece is printed on parchment), I actually DID choose to meet with one that sent more than one mailer (they're diligent now, aren't they?), had "winner" handwriting (I'm an armchair graphologist), and a phone number "DISMISS".

This is funnier to me than the credit card offers I got the day after I declared bankruptcy! LOL!

Salute James Brown, Go to Jail

CONTINUING CASE SAGA:

And Joe actually gave me the title; it is truly ironic, n'est-ce pas? His dying on Christmas pretty much ruins those albums for me. They're sad now.

I thought the APD took a lot of stuff from my bookbag--including the chromium picolinate I keep in it (for hypoglycemia), like maybe they won't give you back your "drugs" (technically not one) or something. I found later they just shoved all the things I thought missing in a single pocket that I rarely use.

Funny, there were a few "bring me home" little green army men in there.

Except one item IS missing. It may never have been there, but it's my habit to wrap newest receipts around my debit card until I get a chance to record them. THE SECOND RECEIPT FROM THE RESTAURANT IS MISSING.

I can't wait to see my lawyer on Tuesday. There were two because I closed out the first (the one with food on it) to go get cigarettes and reopened when I came back with them. That receipt, with a timestamp an hour and a half before I saw flashing police lights, HAS FIVE DRINKS ON IT!!!

I think they took it as "evidence". BUT I ONLY DRANK ONE!!! The rest were bought for other people saluting James Brown (actually two for my friend from down the street I ran into). I don't even drink nor like mojitoes; rum whacks me cuz it's sugar-based (plus they add sugar; I don't do sugar drinks) and anyone on this planet can tell you I hate mint!!! UGH!!!!!

The server said he'll vouch; they wouldn't even be allowed to serve me that! I'm trying to get hold of the friend to vouch he drank the mojitoes, not me (and he walked, for the record--I used to give him a lift to work if I saw him walking on my way to my job a few doors over).

If you thought I USED to be paranoid, you should see me NOW. I think people are tapping my phoneline, going through my credit history, and the like over this. I won't drive, AT ALL, I'm so paranoid (actually you're allowed to until trial if found guilty), afraid I'll get pulled over for a headlight out or some shit and it hasn't been long enough to not just freak out and fuck up all over again!!!

Can I see my lawyer now? I'm sick of my heart racing and my throat closing over this.

Hi Mom, I'm in JAIL!

You'd have the photo right now, except it was refused; I kept begging the mugshot person for it, but apparently even though it's YOUR PHOTO in Texas, they won't release it.

But anyway, I digress.

No, I'm not in jail now (I couldn't be writing this if I were), but for your pleasure, here's the last 48 hours of my life:

Charge(s)? DWI (I'll get to the other in a minute). Bunk. I was a friend of Handsome Joel. I do, in fact, drink. But I don't drive drunk. Partly for him; partly cuz I simply don't like it. Like, you're paranoid the whole time and it's no fun. If I'm planning to drink and there's no designated driver, I call a cab. If it's an accident ("I wasn't planning but got drunk"), I abandon the car, calling either my husband else a cab for the ride home, and get the car the next day.

SO I left a restaurant on South Congress. Now mind you--and if you're local you KNOW this--a left-hand turn onto Congress when it's busy is nearly impossible. You can't see around the parked cars AT ALL; you have to actually put the nose of the car into traffic to see if anyone's coming. And cross three lanes, quick. I normally try to look for traffic, then do "the sign of the cross" (though no longer Catholic), and peel it into the lane I need. I wish they'd put up mirrors so you could see what's coming or something, at minimum.

But when you know your stupid '71 Beetle (I love her--her name's Jesse--but mad at her a tick) won't do a "60" from zero without stalling, you don't risk it.

So I did the "three rights" routine, which puts me on South First.

I won't lie about this--I did in fact have a drink, after hearing James Brown was dead, and died on Christmas no less, making said albums unhearable to me, actually. This is the Godfather of Soul; I didn't take it lightly, especially since I'm married to a funk musician. Okay?! It actually matters to me.

But that was more than an hour ago.

Not eating within my hypoglycemic window, I tried to go home where food was waiting. After South First crosses the lake, I'm just gonna be lost. I haven't done it often enough--and call me "stupid woman driver" I don't care--I drive by "landmarks" not street names nor NESW--I'm dyslexic I can't. This area has no landmarks of note, at least very few that stand out against the field of gray buildings and wide streets, and I'm not that familar with them.

I planned to go to Guadaloupe and cut across 51 to go home (Riverside was busy and I didn't want to sit in traffic trying to get to I-35), but wasn't sure if the street I was on (I actually have NO IDEA what South First "becomes" after you cross the water) connected with it, so I made a right turn onto a street hoping to take me to Congress (which would orient me), but chose one that ended in a cul-de-sac.

I know I said at some point to an officer, "My husband's going to kill me for this." And that wasn't a drunk thing either; that was because I repeatedly get lost and freaked out over it, and he's trying to get me to drive more often and learn the city better. Lost and arrested for it? He's gonna kill me.

And spent the next several minutes trying to get a standard '71 VW that needs to go to shop (but no money to do so) to go in reverse, and up a hill. Like, you hafta do this "twisty" thing with your feet to get it to go at all at this point.

I got frustrated, setting off my adrenal glands, and producing a hypoglycemia state.

Which in fact, looks like "drunk": all "drunk" is actually temporary hypoglycemia, so they look alike, no doubt.

So some JERK--I happened to "crash" the car (not crashed, just stalled) in a rich neighborhood--I didn't even know there WAS a neighborhood in this part of town I thought it was all commercial--someone friggin' calls police over the fact the VW makes a lot of noise when you're trying to restart it. Especially backwards. Especially on a hill.

Actually, I dunno if that's true. I have reason to think so though; it's coming...

I was so frustrated trying to restart the car (on TOP of being lost), my adrenals were already jacked. By the time police showed up (actually, under three minutes), I could hardly deal with anything.

YES, I blew the "walk". My blood pressure, if currently taken, was so low I couldn't deal with the situation. To the point I know I LAUGHED when asked--like I know my body and know I can't do it, and had shitty shoes on for it to boot. I can't do it in the morning, either; I walk straight into walls if I try to walk. I play "klutz" else "comic relief" in performance pieces for a reason; I have NO grace nor balance. It's what you got to work with; you can still "work it" on stage.

And I'm sorry but police in your face is yet another STRESS TRIGGER, whether you wanted it or not--it put me WAY over my ability to deal with stress. Sad by recent news, traffic, lost, shitty car, now the police? Like I KNEW they weren't there to help me get unlost nor restart the car--I noted a dude standing with folded arms outside his house that told me that. Probably a Republican that didn't like my foot-high political statements painted on it.

My adrenals blew so badly, I could hardly answer certain questions. The worst included numbers--I already know I have a problem with this--I'm dyslexic with numbers no matter what; you add stress and I'm SCREWED.

And I know they took my inability to answer as "drunk".

Like look, honestly, the FIRST thing to go when I have an issue with my sugar levels is ability to speak. I blew it. I know it. I heard it. You're trapped in a non-functioning body and no one believes you. It sucks. I couldn't do better; I was arrested minutes later.

Actually, and I'd hope the cop would note this but won't: the second I got into the car and "surrendered"; I'm now SCREWED and can't do shit: I was perfectly coherent. I mean I cracked jokes to amuse myself (actually the cop was also amused). I calmed down, since I knew it was now hopeless and had to make better of situation. Cuz that's how it works. I calmed down and no longer paranoid: suddenly I make (in this case nearly) perfect sentences. (It takes four full days for an adrenal jack to work itself out; I was still stressed as hell but using "instant zen" to try to hold on).

My curse. Especially cuz I "look weird" and there's a SHITLOAD of prejudice that goes with it, whether you want it or not, especially in a situation like this.

But I'm not about to change it--it's who I am.

Of course I fail the nurse's tests, which I asked for. I'm a hypo, not a diabetic; they're only truly set up for diabetics. And trying REAL HARD at this point to stay calm; to NOT do so means my adnoids swell in my neck, cutting off my air, and FUCK IT cuz I don't want them to think (cuz they will) I'm trying to puke. I'm gasping for air. But I can't tell you otherwise cuz I CAN'T BREATHE! Another problematic prejudice; I already know this.

THIS WHOLE THING FUCKING SUCKED ASS!!!

I watched myself agree to a breath test--oh, yes, I wanted it. It'd prove me SOBER. But NOOOOOOO...I can't breathe into the tube right. I never had one before, okay? They kept acting like it was second skin--well, yes, it is for them; they do it all day. BUT NOT ME. I never had one, okay?

The dude asked me after the first breath failed to produce an answer if I'd do it again, and harder. Like, I dunno how this thing works: I tried REAL HARD. My only guesses are my years of smoking too much killed my capacity to do it right; maybe my current situation was my throat was trying to close via adnoids due to stress (but I wouldn't know it until I actually CHOKE); else my adrenals so jacked, I couldn't perform.

I can't answer that. I blacked out. It's a totally normal reaction to an abused child survivor; I know I didn't sass any cop because of it (I'd remember if I stood up for myself--I apparently played "victim", so remember nothing). But I know I was asked twice, tried it twice, and the machine didn't record a damn thing.

I have no experience with this machine; I have no idea how to fuck with it. It just didn't record, okay?!

Minutes later, I get a piece of paper thrown in my face. "Sign here." I said I wouldn't until I read it (like, I'm in JAIL; for all I know it says "take out my left kidney"). Not a second later, by who forevermore is known as "Miss Chip on her Shoulder", else "Miss Chip" for short (she gave me shit the second I showed up, when none of my arresting officers did), she shoved me with no notice or reason into a holding cell next to several completely crazy people.

I didn't get to read said document until later.

Next to me was a chick threatening to kill me. I kept begging warden to let me out (it was OBVIOUS to him I was coherent and not part of this DRAMA), but it took him more than three hours to convince Miss Chip I wasn't dangerous. It was SO BULLSHIT I can't even start.

For some reason, I think Miss Chip just had it out for me. I have no idea why. I dunno if it was personal for dreadlocks or some shit, or if she's just that mean to even people that didn't start crap.

Anyway, piece of paper I NEVER GOT TO READ, NEVER GOT TO SIGN stated I REFUSED to do the breath test, as well as refusing to sign that I'd refused that. THAT'S SO BULLSHIT I CAN'T EVEN START. I WANTED IT. It'd have proved me INNOCENT*, if I could actully blow the thing.

So my charges are now DOUBLED. But I swear, ON HANDSOME JOEL (that's HIGHER THAN JESUS in these parts), I didn't do shit to begin with; I was just disoriented, displaced, and freaked out.

Anyway, thanks to advice given by a certain good lawyer I supported in the past, and thanks to people he knew in Austin (not his jurisdiction), I'm now out.

But it's BULL. I'm kinda writing this for my lawyer (don't know who yet), but not exactly, as I know it's better to get it down FAST.

Kudos to every woman in on "assult". Your charges are BULL and I hope you get out. They abused you and when you stand up for yourself, you're arrested?! Not a single one of you was a weirdo. No way. I especially cry for the black chick--I'm sorry I forget your name if you even gave it--but you didn't do SHIT.

But that's how APD works--arrest someone on complaint, and it's now your duty to prove innocence, and not the other way around. She didn't do SHIT--I'd take her as cellmate in a heartbeat, if I had to. She's not like the crazies they wanted to put me with--on "drunk" charges, not for a second. She ain't dangerous to NO ONE except the man who beat her.

I made them laugh, too. Cuz the chick who "wanted to kill me" was still screaming, still kicking the door, and hurting herself--we heard it several feet away (like nearly 70). I mean really, this is all bull but even as a prisioner I shouldn't have to put up with THAT. I shat on camera. Come on. That's BULLSHIT.

And I'm sorry, officer, but innocent. Just couldn't start the damn 71 Beetle at tick. FUCKING BULL.

*This footnote is an edit to original story. I recently read that I MAY have scored too high, even without being .08, because they calibrate the machines low (and you score higher than you are). Know that. I didn't.

FOLLOW UP RANT: Salute James Brown, Go to Jail >>

Can I Please Blog Now?!

AN IRRITATED BLOGGER'S USER REVIEW

I hate to blog about Blogger again, but I'm not using Blogger to blog at the moment. AGAIN.

Or maybe it's Google's fault. I dunno who, but I'm kinda getting sick of this. AGAIN.

“Cuz they said it would be easy!” (you'll hafta watch the original Perfect Blue in English dub to get that whine quite right.)

Yeah, until you try to LOGIN. When the heck CAN one login? I just tried to comment on TXSharon's Christmas message and couldn't. Or something else she wrote? Oh yeah, it was the Edwards bit. Anyway, I figured my login got screwed up again, but my comment wasn't important enough to sit there and figure it out or ask for my password to be reset. AGAIN.

Then I popped over to Salt to see if anything Tracy said was true and elaborated on there (no mention). But I could comment logged in as my old account, since it was created on the old Blogger. Then I came back here after being reminded I was supposed to continue writing on CCD.

Nope. Can't log in. AGAIN. At least it said “Sorry, service is currently not available. Please try again later.” so I didn't keep trying.

I used to do this stuff “the hard way”, and thinking of going back to it because, well, this isn't “faster” if it takes several tries—and sometimes days--just to get to the dashboard.

Heaven forbid the screaming you're gonna hear when my old blogs are “transferred”. Apparently Salt's still untouched due to being (thankfully) a “team blog”, and saved for last.

Also, what the heck are the new features? I see nothing thusfar but ones TAKEN AWAY:

1. The new dash is nowhere near as intuitive to initially get into.
2. Where the heck is the “blog this” button on other sites? Please let me that's a temporarily missing item. I use it a lot.
3. Why is it now so hard to customize the templates?! Why doesn't html suffice?!

I'll add the rest of items missing, but can't think of them right now and, um, can't login to refer to them. AGAIN.

Hold Your Horses!

"TEST POST" is now a review of the whole process. If on Blogger, you want it...

This is just a test post. I had no idea Blogger was gonna make me create a new account to make a new blog. I hope to heck I can transfer old stuff easily!

[actually next day] Also testing at sec whether I need certain tags, or if this'll wrap the graphic without me. I hope the latter true. If not and watching, send me the rules again for "nowrap", okay? You'll read what you love a lot faster...

[actually day after] But while I'm here (you KNOW I don't shut up if you know me), let me state this transition SUCKS, and bad timing:

[WAIT! before I go there--is this color too bothering if reading at length? I can make it more soothing--I'm on a Mac, and Mac and PC output is different. It's bugging me right now; I build toward PC, but if it's bugging you too, PLEASE SPEAK UP!!!)

1. I was about to use Blogger to use as my "posting tool" to the usual website. I highly recommend (FREE for you people who know how to install and work with basic Perl software) Coranto; it's everything you want, nothing you don't, with option to install lots of third-party plug-ins you may/may not need to make it even easier. I said similar on all script websites.
   
   [I wouldn't have spent the time setting up, ahead of time, my "nagivation" through topics on Blogger, if I knew I couldn't repeat it visually with the interface I built for it. I'm PISSED OFF.]
   
   I'm real, real sorry the original company is bankrupt and doesn't support it. It's real, real good, if you're a developer. Like off the bat, for FREE, you can do things like expire a story within X days else X posts and all pages are flat HTML (searchable) and generated on fly; you can break pages of longer stories automatically with a plugin (but never have to install, thus save server space); honestly, if you're reading this and understand WTF I'm talking about and wanna run it on your site, not third party, go get Coranto. It'll do this and more, free.
   
   
2. Okay, Part Two of that disguised bitch was I trying to decide between using Coranto as a publishing tool (installed on MY server and changeable), else using Blogger, which does have it's advantages (like instant Google publish).
   
   But I'm SORELY upset the new version of Blogger doesn't accept basic HTML change. Like look at this (I did it): http://dvo4txag.blogspot.com/
   
   Like, look, that's BASIC HTML. I made it look, feel, and work with the rest of the real website (http://vanosfortexasag.com) like you'd never left it.

Sorry, doth protest, right now. I should NOT have to have more than basic (you're asking for way way way more than basic right now) web programming skills to do the same with the "upgrade". You're forcing me to learn a new language (NOT html--xml you KNOW it's pickier); else be damned to your fucking templates, with my salt of html here and there. I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

I could NOT, right now, under the "new and improved", possibly do the same quality with my knowledge. Look, I argue: I shouldn't have to. Fuck it. One of my mottos is, "work smarter, not harder." You're making it HARDER. I hate you right now.

Yeah, maybe I should know XML and shut up. MAYBE I HAVE OTHER INTERESTS. Look, I don't wanna learn it cuz I'm also a wife, painter, activist, gardener, live music promoter, yes, professionally a graphic designer; like look, you're making it TOO HARD for someone with ABOVE html knowledge to do a professional job with you.

YOU'RE DROPPED, period, for any professional consideration I give. I used to recommend to dumbasses and would do templates for them (as above) but no longer.

LAST ARGUMENT: When the internet is filled with idiots, why do you push em? I mean, when you squeeze out those of us that give a shit and can make it work, but then give that power only to the "engineers" (and I love you, but you have no design sense), you don't think your own product's gonna go to SHIT cuz it WILL cuz it need REAL LIFE PEOPLE TO SUPPORT IT.

Wow. That's a test spaz?!?!

TO MY FANS ONLY: Like I just re-read that, and can't believe. You'll LOVE the next one, if you liked that at all. That was SHIT. Come on. And not planned.

But to true fans, definite on-the-fly spaz process in action. So eat it. Suck it. But please, tell me about it. (if you're not a fan don't bother; that wasn't for you--this isn't porn and never will be).

Sorry but I know I'm on a certain channel now. Weird. Wait. I'm gonna cut half this and switch!

Designers Unite! Revolt! STRIKE!

"There is nothing worse than having a job, except looking for a job."

We all know that's true. Unless you've never looked for a job. It sucks, okay.

Another favorite quote (from the movie Slacker): "I may live badly, but at least I don't have to work to do so!"

Let me tell you, little designers just out of college, how much you're hurting the market right now. And yourself. Take notes.

In the United States of Whatever, no one is taught visual literacy. They also can't create their own webpages that actually sell the $6 million property they're attempting to sell. They have no clue. You have, in your hands right now, the power to bring the masses to their knees; don't sell that power lightly. Don't bite at $10/hour. Don't do it.

To do so is a serious disservice to both you, and the rest of us that came before you.

Actual craigslist post today (and if you don't know, learn this cuz it's real helpful--craigslist is simply the best place to find an honest job):

I need you to help me in setting up a gallery that would fit seamlessly into a site I am designing. By gallery, I mean something like this...where anyone can get a membership (moderated), and then build their own gallery and people can search the site for particular people.

Compensation? $100.

Um, anyone capable of that is worth $100/hour, not $100; I'm personally not capable of pulling that off in a week's time, though I could do it. Really. DON'T SELL YOURSELF THIS SHORT. REFUSE IT. I mean it. Go ON STRIKE!

I foolishly thought since the "dotcom bust" was over, and jobs started appearing again for my talents, experience, and education, that everything was now gravy again. NOT SO. You are a FOOL if you bite any of this crap. Take into consideration, before accepting any job offer, else I'm sorry, you're a WHORE:

1. How much money are THEY going to make from YOUR effort? If that answer's something like $6M (a REAL answer I just experienced), and they're offering $10/hour, tell 'em to PISS OFF. No, really. I don't care how desperate you are; that simply doesn't compute, and isn't fair to any of us. The only reason they can ask $10 is because some of you idiots will actually say YES.

2. Don't forget you can make $10/hour pouring coffee (with tips)! Why the heck are you letting these pigs rape you? I could go to the Walgreen's a block away if that's what I wanted to make--you have talent no one else does, knowledge no one else does--THEY'RE AT YOUR MERCY. If you all go on strike with me, RIGHT NOW, their companies FOLD.

3. They abuse the "portfolio thing" like no one's business. Don't listen to it. I don't care how young you are. Charge them a "kill fee" (yes, you can--I use 50% of what I'd charge otherwise) and if they use your designs whilst not paying you, SUE THEIR ASS! You have EVERY right to. Look, they have the money; they're creeps and cheapskates that just don't appreciate or acknowledge creative talent as essential to their business; in that case, they shouldn't have asked for our help. Don't give it for free, EVER. YOU are their success; DON'T let 'em forget it.

I don't know how to put this more plainly--from what I'm seeing right now, though, JUST REFUSE. STRIKE! Honestly, you can make more money per hour pouring coffee.

And that's SICK.

So quit letting it happen. Just say NO!!!

what wuz dat?! dat wuz BAAAAAD!

State of the Onion

[Editorial Note: this piece is left in "sketch" form, but published anyway.]

I don't know which I hated attempting to stomach more: Bush's bullshit lying smug ass face, or that Democratic used-car salesman from Virginia.

Oh, that title's not a typo. Cuz what Bush has to say STANKS. And not the kind of STANK I would want some of.

Like, am I the only one on the planet that heard that "I have something to say to the people of Iran" shit? The exact rhythm and argument he said two weeks before we were bombing Iraq.

NEWSFLASH FROM AN ACTUAL ENVIRONMENTAL-FREAK-TYPE: So everyone is giving praise to Bush's shocking call for alternative energy when we know his whole crony is raking it in on oil. Um, excuse me? Did anyone else notice he put NUCLEAR ENERGY in the same sentence? Oh, but it's so "clean and safe".

WTF U SAYING BOUT OBGYN?

Forgot to mention Texas leads the nation in teenage pregnancy, didn't you? Wonder what the other state's got you ain't got? Actual OBGYN services, perhaps?

Okay, I'm thankfully watching this shit on C-SPAN. And the cameraman is thankfully showing the room for those 60-whatever "applauses". Like WTF were half of them for? Okay, even if I agreed with him—which I don't—half the time he hadn't SAID ANYTHING yet. It was like he was some stupid wind-up doll, and if his head quit moving, you had to applaud to rewind the monkey.

Okay, so thank you cameraman for showing me the Democrats NOT applauding nor standing a lot of the time. Even when I thought the spineless twits would cave in. They were totally the lie-meter it rocked.

Then that smug monkey started playing it like a game. "Hmmm, how can I get the spineless twits to have to stand or look stupid on TV?" Something he said made even Conyers have to get up once, I think.

What was that science/math crap? Is it so you can hand-select your next military?

Oh, yeah, in case you missed it, Bush hates gays.

What's this "working and investing families" lie? Forget to edit it to "investing"? Everyone knows you're talking about a tax cut that only benefits the wealthiest Americans. It's a frickin' bumper sticker on my car that's been there so long the exhaust has permanently stained it. But you can still count the zeros your buddies all got.

Why does your wife never smile? Nor Connie? They know they can't get out, don't they?

So we're listening to some phone-in listeners while waiting for that used car salesman from Virginia to deliver some marvelous smack-back that never happens.

What the heck was up with that fireplace? Was it even real fire, or one of those plug-in tinsle thingies you forgot to put away after Christmas? I think you forgot the slippers and the dog. And I'm sure you checked the polls forty-some times about whether or not to have a jacket with elbow patches.

I wish I had alcohol, because you were a perfect drinking game.

1. Every time Timmy says "bi-partisan" or something meaning the same thing (like Democrats and Republicans working together), drink.
   
   
2. Every time Timmy says "there's a better way", drink.
   
   
3. Every time Timmy says #2, and doesn't say what the better way is, drink (hence making all #2s a double).Every time Timmy says something overly proud about his state, chug.
   

and so on.

We weren't evening listening most the time, cuz he wasn't saying anything, and we really were trying to figure out WTF was up with that stupid fireplace.

As well as WTF was up with that eyebrow? Dude, word up, don't be so vain. We know you need glasses. We know you can't read the teleprompt without them. Wear them. You'll look far less stupid than you did squinting at the screen.

And what, did you go to the Bad President School of Hand Guestures?

Dude, it was so bad, I had to agree with the next phone-in Republican that you're a bunch of spineless twits.

So back to that wind-up monkey.

Alito got through? Man, I hadn't heard it yet, and I had to hear it from you? That's so sick. Sick. It'll be real easy to just ignore things like elections once you have enough "judges that don't legislate from the bench" cronies installed in there.

What page of the Plan for a New America didn't you touch on tonight?

Monkey Vs. The Weathernman

[input by sexy hubby Joe]

Well, I thought the speech was textbook Fascism. Everything represented its opposite, and in the broadest of emotionally charged terms. Everything kind of mutually cancelled out, too: The need to invade Iran and the need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil; the need to improve Social Security and healthcare and the need to cut 140 government-funded programs next year, etc.

And he's a smug bastard, isn't he? I think what really infuriates me is that I know none of the shit that he spewed is actually in his head. He just memorized a little speech real good. The way he'd look to the Republican side of the room like a little boy wanting praise. . . eww. Or would smirk at the Democrats when screwing it to them like with the line item veto.

Laura looks scared. Condi looks scared. I think it's dawned on them that the people they've gotten themselves involved with are profoundly more evil that they had initially anticipated. And now they're trapped.

And how about the look of the New American Fascism? Didn't these State of the Union Addresses used to be from the Oval Office? All warm and chatty like? Or am I just a child of the Reagan years?

But this new shit? Jesus! Up there pouding the podium with his henchmen perched behind him like gargoyles stuck to the roof of a church with their own shit? That giant striped flag and the two red neckties swooping down into the V of Dubya's blue necktie? The whole room looked like some sick Art Director at Abercrombie and Fitch decided to do a catalog spread about a funeral.

And the Democratic rebuttal? Why WASN'T that pansy of a reject from a multi-level marketing infomercial on the Congressional floor calling out the Golden Boy? No! He has to use very precise hand gestures with the hint of a warm fire burning in the ambiently well-lit background of his mansion's expansive yet modestly appointed drawing room. And he pretty much asked for Republican (bipartisan!) permission for everything he said. Eww. The modern national Democratic machine is a sycophantic little bitch that needs a slappin'!

On C-SPAN they had Republican and Democratic call in lines. EVERYBODY was critical of the Administration and its agenda from varying thoughful perspectives. The people ain't ooohin' and awwin' over this bipartisan dog and pony show, this rigged cockfight, and they can sure smell the Bushit that we've all stepped in.

SEND IN YOUR DRINKING GAMES!

Apparently I wasn't the only one to write one for either awful speech this evening. Send yours into me and I'll publish the lot!

Truly a "bi-partisan" effort I don't care whose side you're on both speeches stank!