what wuz dat?! dat wuz BAAAAAD!

State of the Onion

[Editorial Note: this piece is left in "sketch" form, but published anyway.]

I don't know which I hated attempting to stomach more: Bush's bullshit lying smug ass face, or that Democratic used-car salesman from Virginia.

Oh, that title's not a typo. Cuz what Bush has to say STANKS. And not the kind of STANK I would want some of.

Like, am I the only one on the planet that heard that "I have something to say to the people of Iran" shit? The exact rhythm and argument he said two weeks before we were bombing Iraq.

NEWSFLASH FROM AN ACTUAL ENVIRONMENTAL-FREAK-TYPE: So everyone is giving praise to Bush's shocking call for alternative energy when we know his whole crony is raking it in on oil. Um, excuse me? Did anyone else notice he put NUCLEAR ENERGY in the same sentence? Oh, but it's so "clean and safe".

WTF U SAYING BOUT OBGYN?

Forgot to mention Texas leads the nation in teenage pregnancy, didn't you? Wonder what the other state's got you ain't got? Actual OBGYN services, perhaps?

Okay, I'm thankfully watching this shit on C-SPAN. And the cameraman is thankfully showing the room for those 60-whatever "applauses". Like WTF were half of them for? Okay, even if I agreed with him—which I don't—half the time he hadn't SAID ANYTHING yet. It was like he was some stupid wind-up doll, and if his head quit moving, you had to applaud to rewind the monkey.

Okay, so thank you cameraman for showing me the Democrats NOT applauding nor standing a lot of the time. Even when I thought the spineless twits would cave in. They were totally the lie-meter it rocked.

Then that smug monkey started playing it like a game. "Hmmm, how can I get the spineless twits to have to stand or look stupid on TV?" Something he said made even Conyers have to get up once, I think.

What was that science/math crap? Is it so you can hand-select your next military?

Oh, yeah, in case you missed it, Bush hates gays.

What's this "working and investing families" lie? Forget to edit it to "investing"? Everyone knows you're talking about a tax cut that only benefits the wealthiest Americans. It's a frickin' bumper sticker on my car that's been there so long the exhaust has permanently stained it. But you can still count the zeros your buddies all got.

Why does your wife never smile? Nor Connie? They know they can't get out, don't they?

So we're listening to some phone-in listeners while waiting for that used car salesman from Virginia to deliver some marvelous smack-back that never happens.

What the heck was up with that fireplace? Was it even real fire, or one of those plug-in tinsle thingies you forgot to put away after Christmas? I think you forgot the slippers and the dog. And I'm sure you checked the polls forty-some times about whether or not to have a jacket with elbow patches.

I wish I had alcohol, because you were a perfect drinking game.

1. Every time Timmy says "bi-partisan" or something meaning the same thing (like Democrats and Republicans working together), drink.
   
   
2. Every time Timmy says "there's a better way", drink.
   
   
3. Every time Timmy says #2, and doesn't say what the better way is, drink (hence making all #2s a double).Every time Timmy says something overly proud about his state, chug.
   

and so on.

We weren't evening listening most the time, cuz he wasn't saying anything, and we really were trying to figure out WTF was up with that stupid fireplace.

As well as WTF was up with that eyebrow? Dude, word up, don't be so vain. We know you need glasses. We know you can't read the teleprompt without them. Wear them. You'll look far less stupid than you did squinting at the screen.

And what, did you go to the Bad President School of Hand Guestures?

Dude, it was so bad, I had to agree with the next phone-in Republican that you're a bunch of spineless twits.

So back to that wind-up monkey.

Alito got through? Man, I hadn't heard it yet, and I had to hear it from you? That's so sick. Sick. It'll be real easy to just ignore things like elections once you have enough "judges that don't legislate from the bench" cronies installed in there.

What page of the Plan for a New America didn't you touch on tonight?

Monkey Vs. The Weathernman

[input by sexy hubby Joe]

Well, I thought the speech was textbook Fascism. Everything represented its opposite, and in the broadest of emotionally charged terms. Everything kind of mutually cancelled out, too: The need to invade Iran and the need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil; the need to improve Social Security and healthcare and the need to cut 140 government-funded programs next year, etc.

And he's a smug bastard, isn't he? I think what really infuriates me is that I know none of the shit that he spewed is actually in his head. He just memorized a little speech real good. The way he'd look to the Republican side of the room like a little boy wanting praise. . . eww. Or would smirk at the Democrats when screwing it to them like with the line item veto.

Laura looks scared. Condi looks scared. I think it's dawned on them that the people they've gotten themselves involved with are profoundly more evil that they had initially anticipated. And now they're trapped.

And how about the look of the New American Fascism? Didn't these State of the Union Addresses used to be from the Oval Office? All warm and chatty like? Or am I just a child of the Reagan years?

But this new shit? Jesus! Up there pouding the podium with his henchmen perched behind him like gargoyles stuck to the roof of a church with their own shit? That giant striped flag and the two red neckties swooping down into the V of Dubya's blue necktie? The whole room looked like some sick Art Director at Abercrombie and Fitch decided to do a catalog spread about a funeral.

And the Democratic rebuttal? Why WASN'T that pansy of a reject from a multi-level marketing infomercial on the Congressional floor calling out the Golden Boy? No! He has to use very precise hand gestures with the hint of a warm fire burning in the ambiently well-lit background of his mansion's expansive yet modestly appointed drawing room. And he pretty much asked for Republican (bipartisan!) permission for everything he said. Eww. The modern national Democratic machine is a sycophantic little bitch that needs a slappin'!

On C-SPAN they had Republican and Democratic call in lines. EVERYBODY was critical of the Administration and its agenda from varying thoughful perspectives. The people ain't ooohin' and awwin' over this bipartisan dog and pony show, this rigged cockfight, and they can sure smell the Bushit that we've all stepped in.

SEND IN YOUR DRINKING GAMES!

Apparently I wasn't the only one to write one for either awful speech this evening. Send yours into me and I'll publish the lot!

Truly a "bi-partisan" effort I don't care whose side you're on both speeches stank!