Like arguing the gender of an angel

NOT OF MY WORLD

I did something yesterday that I never, ever, do.

I went shopping in "the real world".

It was an emergency; my keyboard, an $8 Goodwill purchase to replace, by emergency, one I'd spilled coffee into; well, I was working on a political campaign, left to get cigarettes, and when I came back,

it didn't work correctly.

No m, t, w, or k; and all the "special characters" fucked. I couldn't find a period to save my life.

I secretly blamed the cats, but on deadline for a billboard, said "screw it" and kept working (that task needed mostly just the mouse) until my husband came home, and we could purchase a new one together, barely cutting-and-pasting together what looked like ransom notes to others on staff to publish for me the most necessary of communications.

They all laughed at me. But sent the notices.

Yes, I could have gone shopping myself. But this household was forced to declare bankruptcy after the "dotcom crash" (another story), of which, for the record, I was NOT a day-trading piece of shit, but a producer of news and technology.

We bit it first. We were "downsized". Our jobs are now in India (that's another story).

SO since this household spends nothing but REAL MONEY ON HAND, I have to include my husband in anything that's more than a $10 purchase decision. That's how it is.

But since it's an obvious emergency, he complies, and takes me to CompUSA, despite the fact he's blowing off band practice.

OMG.

What happened to you people?!

Okay, in some regards, I DO live in a "bubble". I stopped subscribing to the rat race, and now live wholly in another world, where people don't put up with corporate control, and barter where necessary, and yes, ride bicycles.

But the SHOCK!!!

Okay, we were "greeted" through the door, nay, assaulted, by a man with too-white-teeth, talking so fast, I missed several sentences:

"Welcome to CompUSA how can I help you what brought you here today what do you need what can I find how can I please you?!?!?!?!"

I was stunned silly. But since I NEVER go shopping, despite the fact I thought myself facing a Replicant, I figured if I actually responded to the part I could understand, he'd get me to the isle I needed in this way-too-large vacuum of crap faster.

"My keyboard just died," I responded. "I work on a Mac; I'm interested in Microsoft's keyboards, as I already know since I'm a woman, they fit my hands better."

It's a fact. I hate MicroSoft and don't wish to support them, but y'all that produce "ergonomic" whatever gotta realize: WOMEN USE THEM TOO! Your products are WAY TOO LARGE for a woman's hand. In my dream of dreams, they all come in small, medium, and large, at minimum. I can't get my hand around more than 90% of the products supposedly "ergonomic", which I'd gladly pay for, but they're aren't so to me, cuz they're WAY TOO BIG!!!

MicroSoft regularly puts out the smallest. Even smaller than Kensington. Sorry.

I can't bend my own beliefs when it's my wrist at stake.

It was immediately obvious this person had no idea what I was talking about. Many, many, years ago, CompUSA had a staff that knew what they were talking about.

This guy took me to the obscenely small "Mac" section, and was stunned after walking me to the MicroSoft keyboards that yes, in fact, they were labelled to work with Mac.

I knew that. "Idiot," I shook my head. My husband had ignored all this, and walked straight to the Mac game section.

So I pleasantly told the greeter to "piss off", cuz I wanted to test the keyboards (which I did--typing my most used phrase, "vanosfortexasag.com" over and over on different keyboards), to find the one that best suited my small hands.

I spent less than ten minutes at this. During that time, SIX different employees came up to me, with:

"Are you okay what do you need how can I help you are you finding everything what can I do please kick me."

I'm sorry, but this is NOT "customer service". WTF happened to you people while I was gone from "the real world"?! You don't have a CLUE, it's obvious, as to my needs--WHAT?! Did someone this morning zap your ass with a tazer, and now you're all REPLICANTS?!

You're just annoying the FUCK outta me, who's trying to test products for my own needs. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Leave me ALONE for two goddamn minutes! Who did this to you?!

I really, really, wanna hear the answer to that. You're not in my world, not at all. I don't understand you. YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A GODDAMN ROBOT!

So I pick a keyboard, and then confer with my husband, who's drooling over a game.

We haven't had a new one in years. I approve, on condition I get one too.

But we need a longer phone cable. The one I have, well, it's short and so the phone isn't in an ideal location; when the phone rings, I have to dash around a large number of obstacles to get to it. And miss half your calls while tripping over stuff.

So I scan the room for someone to ask where basic phone cables in this way-too-large place are located. I ask a black person, wait...

at this point I'd noted, every employee was in a single isle, "trying to look busy", cuz they ain't busy, and realize they're FORCED to look so...

I ask the black person (figuring he's least likely asked and would LOVE to do something else) where the hell basic phone cables are located.

He's WAY too eager to help.

I want the FUCK outta this place; I go to the checkout, behind only one person. I used to work as a cashier; no big deal.

But another dude comes up, freaking the FUCK out, and says,

"Can I help you let me take you over here did you find everything you're looking for was your shopping experience pleasant can I bend over for you now."

I basically got from his spaz (I really couldn't understand him) he'd take me at a different register. Freaked from this whole escapade, I threw him a classic joke, on purpose, during checkout, over the fact we'd selected two videogames; mine (female) a sim and puzzle, his (male) first-person shooter.

Lost joke. He continued with Replicant propoganda, at amazing speed.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!

The irony; there was nothing wrong with my keyboard. Someone (not me) had switched it to Italian behavior. Keyboards are arranged for maximum efficiency depending on your language; our E, R, and T are heavily used in English, and therefore at "best" locations. But that isn't always true, depending on your language.

[AUTHOR NOTE: Title is literal translation of Italian phrase meaning, "This discussion is futile".]